Why are we faking it?

Are you faking it?

I know, I hear you. There’s a lot going on in our lives – all the time! However, when our happiness is impacted by the stress we carry through our thoughts, that’s when the red flags should be alerting you to a potential harmful pattern that you are curating. We are accountable for our happiness – and, similarly, we are also accountable for our pleasure. What I’m not saying is that if you’re being intimate with someone who is not a) trying to be present in your shared experience or b) practicing active listening when it comes to what feels good for you, then can we pass off the blame from ourselves to them – however, what I am dying is that we are accountable for our mindset and for how we communicate what it is that we want, and for what feels good. You can’t expect someone to get you off, if you don’t even know, or are not choosing to tell your lover what it is that feels good! 

I hear all too often that “my man, doesn’t give me an orgasm”. Well, and as much as I could dissect the myriad of concerns with that statement, ultimately you need to ask yourself: “am I communicating what feels good, am I directing my lover clearly, am I being an active player in my own pleasure?”

According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, “both men and women pretend to have orgasms, and the practice of “faking” is fairly common”, AND research suggests that women are more likely to fake orgasm than men are! 

Why are we faking our orgasms, friends?

ISSM reports that “a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sex Research reported that among a group of college students, 25% of the men and 50% of the women had pretended to reach orgasm. Among participants who had had vaginal intercourse, 28% of men and 67% of women said they faked orgasm.”

As a person who strives for efficiency, faking it, to me, sounds like a waste of time! So, why is this an all too common occurrence?

The biggest problem I associate with this experience is that we associate the act of orgasm as the main reason we have sex. The point of sex IS NOT orgasm, as the END OF THE ACT OF SEX is also, NOT orgasm. Sex isn’t a race with a flag that signifies when it’s over. There is no trophy at the end of the game. We’ve put so much pressure on the act of orgasm that we’ve overwhelmed ourselves and pressured ourselves to have to have this experience every time, that we no longer strive for the bliss of sexual intimacy, and instead find ourselves wasted in the stress of achieving orgasm. 

Faking it until you make it, unfortunately doesn’t have the same effect on being satisfied in your sexual relational exchange – if anything, it will lead to resentment, denial, and frustration. If this is you, I hope you find it in yourself to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how to enrich your sex lives together, rather than feeding the cycle of discontent that you might be in. 

If you’re looking to book a session with me either in office or via Skype, check out my website and send me a message today!


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